It's time to meet the family!

There will be a webpage up soonish. But for now there is an open competition to write bios for any of the three players. Something short, one or two paragraphs.

Send them to my email,
xtremetbber@gmail.com

The winners, will each get some Zlurpee Coins and whatever else I have laying around.

So nothing at all huh. I thought I would atleast get a comment or two. Maybe when the lucky ones see the Zorg figure they will change their mind.

Hey, I haven't had the chance to work on it, yet.

No one knows the true history of the creature fans have come to know as Zlurpus Zembashki. Legends abound and help hide the true from even the most wise scholars and mages.

Among the most popular versions of the Zlurpus legend was the one told by the famous human bard, Dagon deBaer and recorded by his assistant Callous Burrfoot.

In this telling, a lowly apprentice to a renown Hafling Master Chef finds himself in a bot of trouble. After spending far too much time daydreaming of his own success as a Master Chef, the apprentice is left with mere hours to finish preparing the meal for his Master's birthday feast.

Not wishing to fail his Master -OR- lose his career, the apprentice out of sheer desperation calls upon an old wandering mage to help him "chill" his dessert dishes. However the mage being old and lazy, decides to allow the young apprentice in on the secret of his freezing spell.

The apprentice goes to work seemingly without incident...

The meal was going well. First and second appetizers had been served, as had the soup. It was not until the palate cleansing wine was to be served that the apprentice's mistake was revealed.

In his haste to chill his desserts, he had failed to notice the wine casks sitting too close to the desserts. The result was that nearly all wine casks were frozen solid.

Paniced at theis untimely and unfortunate discovery, the young apprentice attempted all manner of means to "melt" the casks. The closest he could come without ruining the wine completely was to "shave" bits of the ice mixture off the top of the frozen casks. [It is intersting to note that later re-telling would include him inventing a spinning knife-laden machine that would become the basis for the modern "deathroller."]

Through a variety of techniques, known only to Master Chefs of the highest degree, the apprentice mixes the shaved ice with fresh fruit and the remaining unfrozen wine to create the very first Zlurpees.

The young apprentice saves the meal and wins his own fame and fortune for his frozen drink concoction. But his former Master becomes jealous and accuses the apprentice of stealing the recipe for the Zlurpees from his secret cookbook. The accusations cause a rift between the people of the village. Half are split between their belief in the old master, and hlaf torn by their love for the new beverage. The fighting soon turns ugly as word of the drink's tastiness grows. Soon other chefs, sensing a hit item, crowd the village streets; some coming to taste the zlurpee for themselves, other hoping to dissect its secrets. A few offer themselves as apprenties to this new Master. Others attempting to steal the knowledge of the recipe.

The apprentice fearing for the safety of his own recipe, retreats from the village and eventually the world of men as we know it. He seeks and finds solace in the last place one would expect to find a frozen drink- the scorching lands of the Desert Kings. It is there that he at last finds peace.

He is honored as the greatest of the great chefs and is promised both a honorable burial upon his death, but also given the new name "Zlurpus" meaning "Master of the Frozen Tasty."

It is said that Zlurpus died from unnatural causes. Perhaps one of his rivals found him and poisoned him to gain his secret recipe. Perhaps it was a member of the court who was angered by the favor shown this outsider. Regardless, Zlurpus' death was not a peaceful one.

It is said that Ramtut III himself entombed Zlurpus with cookbook and had his court magicians place upon the tomb a powerful curse to protect Zlurpus' recipe from potential thieves.

Centuries would pass before Zlurpus would return to undead life. An unknown tomb raider would find and open the tomb of Zlurpus- finding his cookbook in the process. However, time had ravaged the cookbook and so the robber had was forced to improvise some of the ingredients. [It is this "impurity" that has added the "Curse of Zlurpus" upon the drink; although we may know if better by more common name "Brain Freeze."]

The legend goes on to say that the tomb raider became so full of himself at his rediscovery of the drink that in his celebrations, he allowed some of the frozen drink to spill upon the dead lips of its true creator. Upon tasting his own creation again, the once dead Zlurpus was brought back to life- but the mixture was not quite enought to bring him back to full life.

Now, the creature known as Zlurpus Zembashki, wanders from team to team, town to town, attempting to make enough money to purchase the outrageously large amount of Zlurpees that it would take to return himself to full life.

But, as I said, this is but one version of the legend.

There is no doubt that a properly made Zlurpee is one of, if not THE, most refreshing drinks in the whole of the Middle Kingdom. Stories abound about its miraculous "healing" properties. Never ws there a better example of this than the story of the Zogre.

The story of the Zogre is actually two stories. It doesn't matter which you beleive as either one proves the mighty potential of this frozen delight.

The first is that of a weak and sickly Ogre child. This child, shunned by mocked by his peers grows up to be a tall, skinny wimp. Despite this, his unusually creative mind (The term creative as it is used here is relative. Creative as it is used by Ogresis defined by how many different ways one can invent for dismembering others) allows him to find at least one potential mate. It is in his attempts to woo his Grrr-friend, that Da'Zonk makes the mistake of taking her to the beach. It is here that the skinny and weak Larry finds himself confronted by another; larger, stronger, and more aggresive Ogre. That Ogre successfully steals Da'Zonks grrr-friend and kincks sand in the face of the helpless Larry. Embarrassed, Da'Zonk decides to find a "cure" for his condition. He seeks out the legendary Dark Elf wizard, Chrlz Attalaz. It is Chrlz that gives Larry his first Zlurpee and the effects are now well-known. Gone was the puny, skinny, and sickly ogre. Born was the massively powerful Zogre! As such, Larry has felt the need to prove his enhanced ogrishness by finding new and ever more interesting "creative" outlets. (He has also developed a reputation as an insatiable "woman"-izer.) The world of Blood Bowl has never been the same!

The 2nd story is much more simplistic. It involves an bet between a zlurpee-loving rookie ogre and Dwarven Alchemist. History has lost the basis for the bet, but one ting IS remembered- the Ogre won. The Alchemist was forced to purchase Zlurpees for the entire team to satisfy his bet. Not wanting to part with his precious gold (one does not become and alchemist to become a philanthopist), the Alchemist lets it be known that he has "spkied" the drinks with a potent poison. The rest of the team, being merely human refuses to partake of the frozen death. All save Larry. Instead, he consumes the whole lot. Few things are as ugly as an ogre in pain. None can compare to brain freeze suffered by Larry that day. It is said that the pain was so debilitating that he was unable to move a single muscle- even those needed to scream for over a week. However, when the attack was over a new Larry emerged. Poised, articulate, and decidedly more intelligent than most other Ogres- Da'Zonk is now one of the most highly paid athletes in the history of Blood Bowl. It is said that his endorsement deal with Eleven-Sevens alone would allow him to buy out nearly every other team in the Middle Kingdoms league. It is only his decidedly viscious need to inflict pain that keeps him playing the game.

Whichever story you beleive- get that Ogre a Zlurpee!

The Legend of Zorg...

Wait.

Yup.

There is no way in hell you could pay me enough money to sit down and even THINK about that image again!

X.- Where should I send the bill for my therapy?

I was gonna say he was one of my relatives, but the Big Man isn't hairy enough. Be be related to me, you have to have a rug/ carpet or be part bigfoot.

nice legends...

All this time I thought I was chatting with hot babes and it turns out it was Zorg behind that computer.

You know what....I'm really not that mad. He's quite good! He knows what guys want to hear!

Zorg Znastiness

Zorg, his real name was Ja Red Fo’gle, He was also a sickly ogre child but he had grown up a to become an obese (even by Ogre standards) slug of an ogre. He wanted to get into shape and become a star like his idol, Zonk. After losing a tremendous amount of weight by eating only Zombway subs, Ja Red became the famous ‘Zombway Guy’ touring all around the old world. But Ja Red still wasn’t happy so he tried out for MyHammi Dolf Grins. He was immediately cut when he was KO’d by a PomPom that slipped out of a cheerleader’s grip. Humiliated, he went back to work for Zombway.

It was pure happenstance that he was walking past a Eleven-Seven and heard a Minstrel singing the “Story of Zonk”, a new biographical piece telling the life’s tale of the Zonk and his Zlurpees. After hearing about the miracle-making properties of Zlurpees, he had to buy a Zlurpee. After downing a dozen and suffering from the dreaded ‘Brain Freeze’ Ja Red was convinced to buy the Zlurpee machine by the store’s Goblin owner, Rips Emoff, for a mere 1,000,000 gold pieces (Rips explained it was this very machine that gave Zonk his amazing powers. Yes, Virginia, ogres are both stupid and gullible). Ja Red took the machine home and from the moment he was able to start up the machine he began tossing back Zlurpee after Zlurpee. Within minutes changes had begun.

After a week and a few missed Zombway commercial shoots, his agent, Dick Coad, stopped by Ja Red’s place to find out what had happened to him. What he found shocked him to his very core. Ja Red’s svelte form was gone. All the weight he had lost was back and then some, his trademark black beard was now permanently stained Zlurpee Blue and Ja Red was belching and farting blue clouds of gas. Needless to say, he was fired from his Zombway gig and all personal appearances were cancelled. Dejected, Ja Red went on drinking his Zlurpees waiting to be transformed.

After several weeks, he ran out of Zlurpee Juize. He went down to the Eleven Seven store, where he had so recently bought the machine, only to be refused Zlurpee Juize. “No money, no juize” said Rips. Ja Red complained,"Was promised a lifetime supply of Zlurpee Juize." “Wearz da Contract?” asked Rips with a knowing smile. Ja Red went berserk, “Contract? I don’t need no stinkin' contract!”

Ja Red went berserk and destroyed the store. The City Guards were sent for and after a tremendous fight, Ja Red was arrested. A talent scout for a local Nurgle team witnessed the destruction, the fight and subsequent arrest. He was very impressed. He quickly posted bail for the ogre and signed him to a two-year contract (including all the Zlurpees Ja Red could drink). Not wanting to be associated with Zombway, the Nurgle Scout had Ja Red change his name to Zorg Znastiness. The rest, as they say, is history.

wow, nice work

Bravo! Bravo!